I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
