her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
