"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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