Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His hands were made for my vagina.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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