i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize