Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize