my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
