I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
