He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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