she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize