I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
