i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
