I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
