so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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