Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
