oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
