Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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