So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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