she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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