sarcasm needs its own font
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
