I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
