Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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