just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
FUCK WHALES
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
