Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize