thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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