you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I could fuck to npr.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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