dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
