im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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