yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
