I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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