why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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