I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Welp...herpes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
