Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
