the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
