As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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