So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
