The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
