Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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