Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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