dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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