please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
