I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
