did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
