If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
