I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
