You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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