my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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