my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
