dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
