while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
