did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
