I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
