The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
my poor anus
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
