Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
