You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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