Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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