so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize