You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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