he told me I talked like a deaf person
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
