I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
