Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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