What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
