A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
