A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
