I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
